J. KRISHNAMURTI TELLING A JOKE...
http://www.katinkahesselink.net/kr/jokes.html

BIRLA, THE INDUSTRIALIST
The following story I was told in India. You may have heard of
Birla, the industrialist. He's from Calcutta, tremendously rich, and
for many years his company has had a virtual monopoly on passenger
cars build in India, with the ambassador. They are not well-made
vehicles, not very comfortable, and they often break down. So Birla
dies and goes to heaven. St Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates and
asks, `Who are you, please?' `I'm Birla,' he replies, slightly
annoyed at not being recognized. St. Peter goes through his list of
names. `B-B-Birla. I'm sorry, your name is not on the list. I don't
think you can enter heaven.' Birla protests angrily, `I'm Birla, the
industrialist. I must be on that list. Look again. B-i-r-l-a.' St.
Peter is taken aback by the man's arrogance and says, `I don't know
anybody by that name.' `By Jove,' Birla exclaim, `everybody knows me—
everybody. And you're trying to tell me…' Peter says politely by
firmly, `Please, sir, don't get excited. That won't help you up
here. Your name is not on the list. I've never heard of you, and I'm
afraid that you won't be allowed into heaven.' For a moment Birla is
crushed and falls into a morose silence. St Peter feels pity on him
and says, `But perhaps you can provide us with a good reason why we
should let you in.' Birla immediately perks up and says, `I have
helped the cause of many religions by spending millions upon
millions for the building of temples, mosques and churches.' St
Peter replies, `That's quite natural, all rich people do that: they
want to become famous and save paying taxes. But that hardly
qualifies you to enter the heavenly paradise.' By this time Birla is
feeling frustrated and shouts, `Now look here, my dear chap, there
is nobody in the whole of India, maybe in the whole world, who has
done so much for his workers and their families, built hundereds of
hospitals, homes for orphans and the aged, schools and universities.
St Peter says, I'm not sure whether that counts either. After all,
these people have given their energy, their labor, their lives, so
that you could become rich. No, no—none of that matters in heaven.
What we ask, which is the real question: what have you ever done for
God?' Birla frantically searches his memory and finally brightens
up, saying with satisfaction, `Well, sir, for decades we have been
manufacturing the famous Ambassador car. And, whenever somebody
opens the door to get into their car, they exclaim, `O my God!'"

CLASSIC DEVIL JOKE
You may remember the story of how the devil and a friend of his were
walking down the street, when they saw ahead of them a man stoop
down and pick up something from the ground, look at it, and put it
away in his pocket. The friend said to the devil, "What did that man
pick up?" "He picked up a piece of Truth," said the devil. "That is
a very bad business for you, then," said his friend. "Oh, not at
all," the devil replied, "I am going to let him organize it."

GOD HAS JUST COMPLETED THE CREATION OF WORLD...
God has just completed the creation of world, with its ocean and
continents and all the creatures, including the humans. As he
surveys his work, an angel points out that there is one small spot
in the center of Europe that's been left blank and empty. The Lord
says, `I must have overlooked the spot. What shall we do with it?'
And the angel answers, `If I may suggest it, Lord why don't you
create a land of milk and honey, called Switzerland—with snow-peaked
mountains, streams, forests and green meadows, where cows graze that
produce the best milk in the world?' The Lord replies, `That sounds
good. And what about the humans there?' And the angel suggests, `Why
not make them clean, orderly, and hard-working, with the greatest
respect for money?' And the Lord says, `So be it.' And so it was
done. After some time the Lord wants to see what he has created and
goes down to Earth. He walks among the mountains, enjoying the
beauty of the scenery. After a while he comes to a small village,
very clean and orderly. As the day is getting hotter, he feels a bit
thirsty. So he walks up to one of the cafés with outdoor tables and
chairs. The owner immediately recognizes him and comes running,
greeting him with great respect, `O Lord, please sit down. It's an
extraordinary honor that You visit our small town and my humble
café. Is there anything, anything, that we can do for You?' The Lord
is pleased and says, `By Jove, I noticed your splendid cows grazing
out there. Give me a tall glass of cold, fresh milk.' `Immediately,
O Lord.' And the man trots off and returns with a tall glass of
fresh, cold milk with foam on the top, and places in front of the
Lord. He drinks it down with much enjoyment. He's just getting up
from the table when the owner comes running and, with a respectful
bow, places a small plate with the strip of paper in front of him.
The Lord looks at it and asks the man, `What is that?' The owner
bows again and explains, `With all due respect, O Lord, that is the
bill.'

A YOUNG MAN LEAVES HOME TO LOOK FOR TRUTH
A young man leaves home to look for truth. He goes to a well-known
guru who lives on the banks of the river. 'Please, sir,' he says to
the old man, 'allow me to stay with you. I want to learn the truth
from you.' And the guru agrees. And so he washes his clothes, cooks
for him, and performs all kinds of tasks for the old teacher. After
five years, he says to the master, 'I've spent five years with you
but I still don't know the what the truth is and haven't learned a
thing. So if you don't mind , I'll leave you. Perhaps I can find
another teacher, from whom I can learn more about the truth.' 'I
don't mind,' says the old man, 'go right ahead.' So the young chap
goes off and finds several other gurus, from whom he learns various
magic tricks. After another five years have passed, he remembers his
old teacher and goes to visit him. 'So what have you learned?' the
old man asks him. And his former student tells him that he can walk
on hot coals, levitate and so on. 'Is that all?' the guru asks. The
young man points at the river in front of them and says
proudly, 'And I can walk on the waters of that river to the opposite
shore.' 'And it took you five years to learn that,' the old master
exclaims, 'when over there, fifty yards from here, you can take the
ferry boat across for twopence!'

AN AMERICAN MULTIMILLIONAIRE WHO LIVES IN ENGLAND ...
"An American multimillionaire who lives in England wants to become a
proper, perfect English gentleman. So he goes to Huntsman on Savile
Row and has a dozen of the best suits made for him, complete with
Jaquet ties and topcoats. Then he asks the tailor to refer him to
the best shoemaker. `Why, sir, just next door, there is Loeb's.' He
goes there, has his feet measured, and orders a dozen of the most
beautiful, handmade shoes. When he asks for the best place to buy a
cane and a umbrella, they send him next door. Proceeding from one
shop to the next, he is gradually outfitted with the best of
everything, looking every inch the perfect English gentleman. The
next time he goes to see his tailor for some alterations, he has his
Rolls-Royce pull in front of the shop. The tailor, with whom he has
become good friends—they're in the same club and so on—immediately
notices that he is in a horrible state, very depressed and gloomy.
So the tailor asks the American, `What's the matter, sir? You look
as if something dreadful has just happened.' `Yes, I really feel
terrible. I can't get over it,' sighs the rich man. `But why, sir?'
exclaims the tailor. `You've got the very best of everything:
excellent car, best clothes and shoes, umbrella, gloves et cetera.
You look every inch the perfect English gentleman. How could you
possibly feel depressed?' By now, the American is almost in
tears. `Because we've lost India.'"

`A MAN DIES AND GOES TO THE PEARLY GATES
`A man dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says to
him, `You've lived a fairly good life, not cheated or sinned too
much. But before entering heaven I must tell you that we're all
bored here. God never laughs, and the angels are quite moody,
praying most of the time. So please hesitate before entering heaven.
Perhaps, you'd like to go down and see what that's like. Then come
and tell me what you prefer. But it's up to you. Just ring that bell
over there. An elevator will come up and you just get into it and go
down.' So the chap rings the bell and goes down in the elevator. The
doors open and he is met by the most beautiful girl, who take care
of him, et cetera, et cetera. '`By Jove', he thinks, `this is life.'
And he says to the girls, `May I just go and tell St. Peter?' He
rings the bell, get into the elevator and goes up. He says to St.
Peter, `Sir, it's very good of you to have offered me the choice, I
prefer down below.' St. Peter says, `I thought you would.' The man
rings the bell again and goes down. The doors open and two ugly
fiends grab him and beat him up, pushing and kicking him. He
moans, `Wait a minute. Just a little while ago you treated me like a
king. And now this; why?' `Ah, you were a tourist then.'"

IT'S LIKE THE HUSBAND WHOSE PREGNANT WIFE IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH.
"It's like the husband whose pregnant wife is about to give birth.
When they arrive at the hospital, the man asks her, are you sure you
want to go through with this?"
(meant to show that choice isn't always relevant)

ABOUT NAMING OF THE DIVINE CHILD IN BETHLEHEM
"You may have heard this joke—about naming of the divine child in
Bethlehem," he began. "The child was in the manger, surrounded by
oxen and sheep, while his mother, Mary, and Joseph were discussing
what name to give him. Solomon was suggested, Moses and David, but
they couldn't agree. At the moment, the Magi, the three wise men
from the East, entered the stable. Paying homage to the new-born
child, they placed offerings of myrrh and frankincense before him.
The third chap,
who was very tall, knelt down to present his gift of gold. As he got
up, he bumped his head on the low rafters of the stable and
exclaimed in pain, `Jesus Christ!' Mary turned to Joseph and
said, `That's nice name. That's what we'll call him.'"

THERE ARE THREE MONKS, WHO HAD BEEN SITTING IN DEEP MEDITATION
"There are three monks, who had been sitting in deep meditation for
many years amidst the Himalayan snow peaks, never speaking a word,
in utter silence. One morning, one of the three suddenly speaks up
and says, `What a lovely morning this is.' And he falls silent
again. Five years of silence pass, when all at once the second monk
speaks up and says, `But we could do with some rain.' There is
silence among them for another five years, when suddenly the third
monk says, `Why can't you two stop chattering?"

ARE THERE ANY CHRISTIANS HERE? I DON'T MEAN TO BLASHPHEME OR OFFEND
ANYONE.
Looking around the table, he prefaced it by asking, "Are there any
Christians here? I don't mean to blashpheme or offend anyone." Since
nobody declared themselves to be religiously affiliated, he
continued, "The Lord and St. Peter are in heaven observing the
action down on the earth on a television monitor. They are amazed by
what they see: people are forever rushing about, ceaselessly digging
and constructing, building large cities, everywhere busy, busy,
busy, from early morning throughout the night. The Lord turns to St.
Peter and asks incredously, ` What are they all doing, busy from
morning till night, never resting, forever striving, battling,
competing? What's the point of it?' St Peter replies, `Well Lord,
these people are your followers, they believe in you and obey you.
And you told them to eat their bread in the sweat of their brows.'
And the Lord says to St. Peter, `But I was only kidding.'"

We started to laugh, but Krishnamurti gestured us to calm down,
calling out, "No, don't laugh yet. There's more to come. St. Peter
switches channels and they see a magnificent banquet hall in the
Vatican with huge tables filled with expensive delicacies. There are
caviar and truffles and the finest wines and so on. Hundreds of big
men in purple robes are seated around the tables, feasting and
laughing and drinking cognac and smoking cigars. They are the
cardinals and bishops, having a feast. `But what about these
people, `the Lord asks St. Peter, `they don't seem to be eating
their bread in the sweat of their brows. If you ask me, they seem to
be having a jolly good time.' St. Peter says, `Well Lord, these are
the ones who knew you were only kidding.'"

THE OTHER DAY I SAW A CARTOON IN A MAGAZINE
" The other day I saw a cartoon in a magazine, " he recounted to the
audience. "It's in New York City, at a busy intersection in Times
Square. There are two dogs sitting by the curbside, watching the
people hurrying by, always busy and in a rush. And one dog says to
the other, 'you know, reincarnation gives me the creeps.' "

TWO FRIENDS, ONE OF THEM A BISHOP, DIE IN A CAR CRASH.
"Two friends, one of them a bishop, die in a car crash. They go up
to heaven and meet St. Peter. Neither of them has sinned too much,
so he lets them in. And he says to them, `If you have any special
request, tell me now, and I'll see to it that it gets done.' The
bishop, a religious person, asks to see God. St Peter is startled by
his request and tries to dissuade him, `Seeing God is a sensitive
affair—it's very shocking. Few people can stand it. If I may advice
you, please don't insist on this.' But the man is adamant and
insists on his wish. Finally St Peter gives in and tells him, `Very
well, if you insist. Just don't blame me afterwards. Go that way and
follow the signs: 'God'. And don't forget to come back here.' Off he
goes to see God, while his friend wait with St Peter for his return.
It takes ten to fifteen minutes before he returns. He is a mere
shadow of himself, as pale as a ghost, and staggering about in deep
shock. His friend is concerned to see him in this state and
says, `By Jove, what's happened to you? What was He like?' But the
man can only moan, `She's black.'"

THIS HAPPENS TO BE THE KREMLIN IN MOSCOW, THE SEAT OF SUPREME POWER.
Krishnamurti raised his hand, "That reminds me of a joke I heard
recently. This happens to be the Kremlin in Moscow, the seat of
supreme power. Every morning the captain of the guard enters the
bedroom of Chairman Brezhnev, carrying his breakfast on a tray, with
a copy of the Pravda newspaper. He pulls back the curtains from the
large window overlooking Red Square, gives a smart salute and briefs
the Chairman on the latest developments in the world. At the end of
it, Brezhnev says, `All right, Comrade, is that all?' The adjutant
hesitates, `Well, Comrade Chairman, there is one thing: there is a
large crowd outside in Red Square, and they seem to be picnicking.'
Brezhnev responds magnanimously, `It's a lovely morning, and the sun
is shining; let the workers enjoy themselves for once.' The adjutant
salutes and leaves." Each time he mentioned the adjutant,
Krishnamurti raised his hand to his forehead, imitating the
officer's snappy salute. "The next morning it's the same routine:
breakfast, newspaper, curtains back salute, report on the latest
events, and so on. And Brezhnev asks, `Is there anything else I
should know?' The captain say, `Yes, Comrade Chairman, there is an
even larger crowd out there in Red Square, perhaps a hundred
thousand of them, and they seem to be picnicking.' `Let them, let
them,' replies the Chairman. `On a sunny morning like this, the
proletarian masses should enjoy themselves a bit.' The adjutant
gives the salute and trots off. The next morning, the same thing
again. `Is there anything else?' Brezhnev asks at the end of it. And
when the chaps starts, pointing down the Red Square, the Chairman
laughingly raises his hand and stops him, `All right Comrade, I
think I know exactly what you are going to tell me: on this lovely
morning there is a large crowd of a million people down there in Red
Square, and they are having a picnic. Am I right?' `Yes, you are
right, Comrade Chairman,' answers the adjutant. `But there is one
thing: they are all eating with chopsticks.'"

A YOUNG MAN WANTING TO FIND TRUTH GOES TO SEE A FAMOUS GURU
A young man wanting to find truth goes to see a famous
guru. 'Master, can you teach me meditation and truth?' he asks. The
guru agrees, and the disciple immediately assumes the lotus posture,
closing his eyes and breathing rhythmically to show what he knows.
The master doesn't say anything but picks up two stones from the
ground and starts rubbing them against each other. Hearing the
strange noise, the disciple opens his eyes and asks, 'Master, what
are you doing?' The guru answers 'I'am rubbing these stones against
each other to polish them into a mirror so I can look at
myself.' 'The disciple laughs, 'but master, if you don't mind my
telling you: you'll never be able to make a mirror of these stones
by rubbing them against each other. You can do that forever, and it
won't work.' 'Similarly, my friend,' the master says, 'you can sit
like that forever, but you'll never be meditating or understanding
truth.'

THIS HAPPENS TO BE THE TIME WHEN NIXON WAS STILL PRESIDENT
"This happens to be the time when Nixon was still President," he
explained with a smile. "Brezhnev calls Nixon over the hotline
telephone and says, `Hello, Mr. President, how are you? I've heard
that you have the most incredible super-computer in the whole
world.' Nixon replies, `Well, Mr. Chairman, I don't know how you
obtained this information, because it's top secret. But I can tell
you that it's the fastest computer in the world and can foretell
events up to thirty years ahead.' Brezhnev is impressed. `Thirty
year: that is truly astonishing. Not even here in the Soviet Union
do we have anything like that. In fact, I would like to ask you a
favor, if you don't mind.' Nixon answers, `Anything you like, in the
name of détente, as long as it isn't a state secret or against the
interests of the United States.' Brezhnev replies, `I wouldn't dream
of anything like that. But could you please ask your computer who
will be in the Communist Party politburo here in the year 2000?' The
President answers, `No problem, Leonid. Just give me a minute.' And
the telephone line goes silent while he is consulting the computer.
Brezhnev presses his ear to the reciever but hears only Moscow
static as the minutes tick by. Finally he asks, `Are you still
there, Richard?' (They're on first name terms by now.) `Well, yes,
Leonid,' Nixon replies, `but I can't figure it out.' `But what does
it say?' Brezhnev asks impatiently. And Nixon says, `That's just it.
I can't read and what is says—it's all in Chinese.'"

A CATHOLIC IS STANDING ON A MOUNTAIN
A Catholic is standing on a mountain and looks down into the beauty
of the valley. Suddenly he slips and falls down the cliff and is
barely able to hold on to the branch of a tree that is growing
there. Below him is an abyss of a thousand feet. He doesn't know
what to do, so he prays, `Please, Lord, help me. Save me from
death.' And a voice comes out of the sky and says, `Have faith, let
go! And the man looks up and calls out, `Is there anybody else up
there?"

While we were all laughing, Krishnamurti looked at us with bright
eyes, eventually asking, "What is trust? Do you have trust? Not
trust in something, some idea or ideal, just trust."

THE POPE DIES AND GOES UP TO THE PEARLY GATES WHERE HE MEETS ST.
PETER
We were silent for a while, then Krishnamurti spoke up, "That
reminds me of a good joke I heard the other day. The Pope dies and
goes up to the Pearly Gates where he meets St. Peter. He says to
him, `You must be St. Peter.' St. Peter answers, `And who are you?'
The pope is taken aback, `You don't recognize me? I'm the Pope.' St.
Peter picks up his list and goes over the names, `Pope, Pope—I'm
sorry, there is nobody here by that name. I'm sorry, but you can't
enter heaven.' The Pope is shocked. `There must be some mistake.
It's impossible—I must be on that list. Please, look again: I'm the
Pope!' St. Peter gets impatient and tells him to buzz off. By now
the Pope is in tears and begs him, `Please, St. Peter, I'm your
successor and the representative of Jesus on earth. I'm the head of
the Holy Roman Church. I have a right to enter heaven.' St. Peter is
getting annoyed and says, I've never heard of anything so foolish.
If you don't immediately buzz off, I'll call the angels with the
flaming swords.' The Pope is in utter despair. `No, please don't, I
beg of you. Can't you ask somebody, who knows me? Maybe Jesus or one
of the saints will vouch for me.' St. Peter gives in and says to the
chap, `All right, I'll go and ask inside. You stay here. And don't
touch anything.' So he goes inside, and there are Jesus, his mother
Mary, the apostles and several angels and saints. `Excuse me, Lord,'
says St. Peter, `there is a chap by the name of Pope wanting to
enter heaven. He claims to have been your representative on earth.'
Jesus laughs, `My representative on earth? That's absurd, isn't it?
And I've never heard of anyone named Pope?' No one seems to know the
Pope, until suddenly the Virgin Mary speaks up, `Wait a minute. Pope—
isn't he the one who spread all the rumors about me and the Holy
Ghost?'"